That blog, tho…

Everybody who knows me knows I say things you’ll never hear anywhere else. At least not for awhile. I invented a lot of the strange terms and phrases you hear today. To begin with the term, “dick face”. Yeah. That was mine. I invented it. I know, I know. It’s hard to believe. And yes, I realize that somebody, somewhere could have possibly said it first. But I claim it. My grandfather invented frozen pizza. Yup. He did. If he’d been more business savvy than street smart, Ellio’s Pizza would be mine. But I admit – some Eskimo in Alaska might have left a slice on the ice table over night and ‘actually’ had frozen pizza the next day – long before my grandfather did. So, at the very least, my grandfather ‘sold’ the first frozen pizza. At least that’s how the story goes.

So… There are a few more interesting terms and phrases that I ‘invented’ that have gone mainstream… I invented phrases like, “I’m as hungry as a penguin on Wednesday”. To note, it’s “on Wednesday” – not “on ‘a’ Wednesday”. Why? I don’t know. That’s just the way I said it a million and eleven years ago. “I’m as thirsty as a frozen giraffe”. Yup. That’s mine. And while I’m sure you’ve never heard that one, you surely have heard a derivative. “Don’t be an assfucker/dickneck/prickface”. Why? I don’t know. It just sounded better than the alternatives at the time.

I can’t go into ALL of my term and phrase inventions – so let me get to my question… Who the BALLS invented, “Those rims tho”? “That hood tho”. I think that shit sounds pretty silly but I can’t sit here and say my phrases are any less ridiculous. But “That <something> tho” took off like a bat out of hell. And most people can’t even type out “though” like it’s too difficult or something. Are people so lazy that they can’t type out the remaining “ugh”? Or is “tho” just part of the “mystique” of it all? But anyway. I just want to know who started it because I’m impressed at how damn quickly every 20-something says this phrase 472 times each day.

Honestly, I’d probably find it cool if I only had to hear it 30 times per day, tho…

Cars are going to need to get slow again…

Ahhhh, my first new “blogging” on my new non-self-hosted blog because WordPress plugins are often too vulnerable…

So… Common cars (like the upcoming 707 horsepower Dodge Challenger and Dodge Charger) are getting too fast. It’s unreasonable to have common cars running the 1/4 mile in 11.2 seconds out of the showroom and even 10.8 when using drag radial tires. This type of speed/power has, in the past, been made available to cars that cost more than the average Joe can afford to purchase. These cars cost $60,000. That’s about $10,000 more than a Buick LaCrosse. And they’ll be much cheaper on the used market in a few years.

I love fast cars. But there HAS to be a limit. Don’t you think other sedans are going to top 707 horsepower now? Where does it end? 1000 horsepower? 20 years ago we were crazy happy when LS1 Camaro SS’s did 12.9 seconds in the 1/4 mile. That was fast.

With all these fast cars on the road now – trouble is bound to happen. Something drastic. I can feel it coming. Perhaps 100% automated vehicles. I don’t know. But SOMETHING is going to happen. Maybe jail time for doing 10 miles per hour over the speed limit.

All I know for sure is – at one point or another – cars are going to stop getting faster. You’re going to buy your brand new Camaro or Mustang and it’s going to be slower than the previous version. And the one after that, even slower. And you’re going to have no choice but to either buy the new car or deal with your old jalopy. And eventually – hopefully before cars simply drive themselves – we’ll be happy to be faster than the next guy who’s new performance car “only” does a 13.0 in the 1/4 mile…

You’re beautiful just the way you are, you fat idiot!

Oh, alright – maybe that title is a bit harsh. Perhaps you’re just ignorant. We’re all ignorant about something or other. So, no big deal. As long as you don’t mind being poked, prodded and sliced open on hospital tables…

The whole idea behind “you’re beautiful just the way you are” is intended for things you cannot change. Nothing more. Nothing less. We’re living in a strange time where everything is supposed to be accepted. If you’re 300lbs, you F’ing need to lose weight. No, you DON’T look good – far from “beautiful” or “perfect”. You look like utter crap. I don’t look good now being 25lbs overweight. The last thing I need is for everyone to run over and start giving me hugs telling me how “perfect” I am. What kind of incentive is that to start eating more vegetables, less crap and exercise more consistently? Humanity is ridiculous.

So if your genetics gave you a super huge nose, big, floppy ears, or some other characteristic about your face or body that is less than what most people consider attractive – than yeah – you should just appreciate who you are. But if you’re obese, do something about it. Don’t just watch television and believe that since you’re “beautiful” it’s okay to stick with being lazy and eating whatever it is you’re eating to be obese.

Trust me, I feel your pain. I love eating. But we can’t just eat all we want and think everything is going to be okay. You heard it 18,000 times while you were growing up – “YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT”. It’s true. I’m not saying we can NEVER enjoy pizza, bacon cheeseburgers, ice cream, cookies, chips, cake – or a nice creamy bowl of mayonnaise :p – EVER – but in limited quantities.

And don’t forget about exercising…

#Listerine, #Plackers and #Orbitz – I haven’t had a cavity in 27 years

I remember once going to the dentist and being told I had ten cavities. For a kid in his early teens that was about the worst news you could get – besides F’s on your report card or a letter in the mail from school. I’d be lying if I said I never experienced any of those aforementioned things. :o

I’ve had plenty of bad dentist visits as a kid – including having six teeth abstracted in one day. But since I turned sixteen years old or so the coast has been clear. I’m now going on forty three years of age and haven’t had a cavity in about twenty seven years.

Part of this I owe to Listerine. I’m a bit of a Listerine junky. I use it occasionally throughout the day – as well as through the night whenever I wakeup to use the bathroom. And considering I drink a good bit of water before bed, that happens at least a couple of times every night.

I also love, love, love Plackers. I never used dental floss but now I do every night thanks to this awesome invention. This has allowed for a huge improvement in my dental health and now my dentist visit every six months is quick, painless and easy. My gums weren’t doing all too well several years ago – but they’re fine now. I also have hardly any tartar.

Last but not least I feel I should mention Orbitz sugarless gum. I chew quite a bit of it and I’m pretty confident it helps keep my teeth clean between meals.

Good dental hygiene is more important than most people are aware of. It directly affects the rest of your health and well being – even your heart. When was your last cavity or dental issue?


Who else is enjoying ObamaCare as much as the rest of us?  My wife’s chiropractor doesn’t want to honor her remaining PRE-PAID sessions because they don’t equal the cost of what the payments should now be under ObamaCare. I forget what they call it but the name of the “plan” sounds economical although it costs more than what she was paying to begin with… Hooray for ObamaCare!

Now that being said, I do realize there are SOME good things about ObamaCare. It’s not all bad. But it’s a shame how we’re all being forced to switch. Danielle and I are still using our original plan but we’ll eventually need to switch over – by law…

A friend of mine was paying $1200 per month for his family under his previous plan. Under ObamaCare, $2400 per month. Nice, huh?

But I realize how it works. If it wasn’t for some of us paying twice as much for health care for our families, than how would the guy who didn’t study in school or apply himself afterwards be able to pay for his own family’s health care? So I suppose it all works out in the end.

My wife and I are anxious to switch over to ObamaCare so we can help spread the wealth for (lazy) less fortunate individuals…


Marijuana or Alcohol? Which do you prefer?

Alcohol or Marijuana? I choose alcohol. We all know what alcohol does to your liver – but keep it in control and your liver regenerates. That’s pretty awesome if you ask me…

Marijuana, on the other hand, is not only bad for your lungs (which take years to clean) – it alters your ability to process emotions, make decisions and reduces motivation – EVEN when you’re not “high”.

“…marijuana use leads to a condition called amotivation. Also called amotivational syndrome, this psychological condition causes people to become less oriented towards their goals and purposes in life, as well as seem less focused in general.”

I’ll take alcohol. At least when I’m done with it my liver fixes things and I can process emotions, make decisions and remain motivated and on track with my goals – as much as I would normally be…

If you smoke marijuana regularly you’re probably about to say, “B.S.! I’m PLENTY motivated!”. Yeah. That’s nice. You’d probably be a billionaire if you didn’t have a habit of smoking weed.


To each his/her own… Happy, happy, joy, joy! :) :p :D

P.S. What do you prefer? Marijuana or alcohol?

Smartphones and their silly batteries

What is the DEAL?!

What is the deal with these things? Smartphones are getting bigger and lighter. Have you noticed? I like the larger screens and it’s “nice” that they’re becoming so light that I’m almost afraid to let them go – like helium filled balloons. But are a few ounces extra going to make or break a deal between devices?

What IF?! Hypofuckingthetically! The iPhone 6 had a battery that was 25% heavier than the battery in the iPhone 5 – and lasted 25% longer? What if?! What if…?

Would iPhone owners flock to the Samsung Galaxy S5, Motorola MotoX, LG Nexus 5 and HTC One M8?! Or vise verse?!

What the F’ing PIGEON NECK do you think? What would YOU do? What would JESUS do…?