No, I’m not a human lie detector like Robert De Niro in Meet the Parents – but I’m pretty damned good at figuring out whether or not someone is telling the truth… I recently had somebody lie to me – but I didn’t confront them about it. It didn’t affect my life in any way – so I didn’t really care – but it was so obvious to me.

When I was a kid, I lied about everything. My age, where I was born, where I lived, where I was, where I went, where I was going, what I ate for dinner, whatever. After awhile, I became so good at lying that I’d compete with myself to see exactly what I could get away with. I began to lie constantly – almost habitually – until I became bored with it and stopped entirely at around 16 years of age.

Nowadays, I can’t remember the last time I lied.. Not including white lies: “Yes, I love your idea”, “Yeah, that huge exhaust pipe looks good on your Honda Civic”, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” (just kidding about that last one – I did! Just kidding again). For me, it’s very easy to stay out of trouble. Depending on my mood, I’m either very happy or content with my life. Why lie? It’s more garbage that you have to keep stored in your head until the day you die… If you don’t keep your B.S. stored and ready for instant retrieval at any given moment, (including an entire plan of action to fix your mistake if you DO make one) you will eventually crash and burn. Believe me. I know. Honesty is the best policy… Along with “Don’t sweat the small stuff”, that is some of the best advice you’ll ever receive.

So how can I tell when somebody is lying? It’s easy – whatever you’re doing as you’re lying – I’ve already done a thousand times. Every mistake you make when you’re lying to me – I’ve already made – a thousand times. I know exactly how you feel when you’re telling me your lie. I know exactly how you speak when you’re telling me your lie. I’m incredibly familiar with your facial expressions, your attitude, your tone, at what points in your sentence you raise your voice or get quiet – when you try to change the subject. I know exactly how you’ll answer certain questions when you’re lying – because I’ve already been there and done that (you guessed it) – a thousand times. Believe me – I’ve lied more than you. Honestly.

(I know what you’re thinking… “Good for you!” Whatever. I’m very much at peace with my life and what I’ve become. To each his/her own.)

So while it’s already too late to make a long story short – don’t lie to me. Don’t say a word if you’re not going to tell me the truth. More often than not, I’m not going to care about your situation. There’s no reason to feel you need to explain anything to me… It’s not like I’m going to be in court giving a character reference. (Am I?) But if you lie – I’m going to know it – and I’m probably going to lose a little bit of respect for you. First, for insulting my intelligence. Second, for being dishonest as an adult. We’re not kids anymore… Stop lying…

I can tell when you’re lying…
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