You need to have a good, firm, enthusiastic handshake. That’s how you impress people and show them you’re worth something. Right? Years ago before I learned how to fool people into thinking I was somebody important with my special secret manly handshake, I’d feel a little uncomfortable when I shook hands with another guy and he extended all his fingers out as far as they could go so he could engulf my entire hand and squeeze it really hard. I knew he was the “superior” man. How could he be anything but? That handshake. It was so powerful and overwhelming! He just HAD to have a larger penis than I did.

Nowadays, I know how to shake hands. And boy do I feel extra special about it. The thing is, I don’t like giving a firm handshake. I’m the type of guy who appreciates it when the people around him are happy and comfortable. I don’t like making people feel uncomfortable or inferior. It just isn’t me. I’m not better than anybody. So when I shake somebody’s hand, I normally just give a regular handshake. Unless I see an asshole extending his hand toward me – than I shake hard and firm to be equally assholic.

What I still find a little uncomfortable, however, is when I see a regular guy about to shake my hand – and he turns out to be one of those “other” guys who feel the need to grip my hand like his life depends on it. That’s what happened to me this morning. I wonder what he must think of me. I suppose I shouldn’t care. But I do. So while I’ve learned that a firm handshake actually means nothing (since a regular guy like me can certainly do it nicely and I’m nobody) – I haven’t yet learned how to let go of the whole idea that the handshake means nothing more than touching somebody’s hand who probably just had it down their pants.

Disclaimer: Yes, I know.. YOU probably shake hands with that vice grip I’m talking about.. I know it’s not your fault. You’re just following the lead that everybody learns in business that a weak handshake means this or that.. Or whatever.. I fell for all that nonsense too. And while I’m sure I earned some undue respect from my extra special cool handshake when I made a habit of it – more often than not I just made some nice guy who wasn’t out to impress anybody feel uncomfortable. If that’s your thing, than carry on… It’s not mine…

Handshakes – EgoBoosters For Idiots
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